Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
