I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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