she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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