i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
