He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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