i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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