I'm eating all of the evidence.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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