When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
