Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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