Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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