i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Boobs are out for the taking
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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