I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
