I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
