I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
