my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
