Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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