you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
