captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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