Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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