Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
