I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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