I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
