I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
