how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
