Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
