She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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