I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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