not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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