He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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