I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
