Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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