I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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