Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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