there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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