perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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