My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
