He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
