I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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