My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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