don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
