The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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