I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
