Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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