After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
