Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
