i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You made out with two different species that night
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
