there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
