I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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