If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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