a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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