I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
