Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
