I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you