your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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