My nipple is on Facebook.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
