Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
