operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
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