just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
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I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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