can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
