Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
