I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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