This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
