despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
