Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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