The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
